Stress Levels @ Red Alert!

Friends, I could really use some prayer right now, on a lot of levels. School starts in 36 hours, where I will be teaching preschool (which I haven't done before) in the mornings, then switch to P.E. each afternoon. Although the first two days of preschool are basically ready, I haven't even started making decisions on PE yet. Add to that the fact that all of my PE equipment is in a new place and I haven't laid eyes on it yet, nor do I have the key to my new office.

Additionally, it looks like Arwyn (18 mos) who has been with me for about 4 1/2 weeks now will be staying for a while. Unfortunately, I do not have child care lined up and need to find something for the many hours I will be gone teaching each day! There is a plan, but we have yet to find a caregiver who will work out for me and the other family that will be sharing her.

Also, I do not have a housemate and the expenses of daily life are starting to weigh heavily on me as well. Not having a housemate for a few months was do-able, but looking ahead to the entire school year without someone to share expenses seems a bit tough.

Finally, the idea of being a full-time teacher and part-time parent is heavy on my heart as well, especially now with Arwyn in the picture (Daniel will actually be in preschool each morning with me). The physical side of things, like wondering if I will have enough energy at the end of each school day to be a mom that my kids want to be with, is a struggle too.

All of these are problems that can be solved easily by our very big God, so I ask that you join with me in prayer for the following:

• A good start to the school year. Both Thursday & Friday are "first" days for me -  I will teach 4 year olds, kinder, and grades 1 & 5 on Thursday; 3 year olds, kinder & grade 2 on Friday.
• A suitable, competent, loving househelper/nanny. We have an interview tomorrow afternoon - our fourth interview this month.
• Finances - for someone (even short-term) to share expenses and/or new supporters to come alongside to partner with me financially in what I am doing here in the Philippines.
• Physical strength for each day - I'm already a bit weary in the preparations and the school year hasn't actually started yet.

Thanks for praying!
~Kim

Summer, Babies, and More!

Yeah, ok, it's been nearly a year since I updated. Sigh...I'm SOOOO terrible at this stuff! Lots of things happen of course, in the day to day, and over the span of a year, but aside from facebook updates, I can't ever get my behind in gear to publish anywhere else. Seriously though, people, WHO is going to keep me accountable to at least monthly updates?!?!?

Hmm, so, what do you need to know...

First of all, let's start with the future. Not typical, I know, but perhaps it's what you want to know about most...the "what is she doing now" type of info. On August 2, 2012, the new school year at Faith Academy will begin, and I will be joining the ranks in PRESCHOOL!!! Yes, you heard/read correctly. From 5th grade all the way down to the wee-est ones! See, the deal is that with Daniel starting preschool this year, I can teach and be with him in the mornings (preschool classes are 7-11am), then continue teaching elementary PE in the afternoons (while Daniel goes to child care). And although his "class" only meets two mornings a week, I get a perk, as his teacher, that he gets to come to school with the 4-year old class the other three mornings too! It's totally win-win...aside from the fact that I don't really know how to teach preschool. But eh, I'll learn, right?

My super hero-adventurer!

Captain"Cook"

Last school year (which this blog skipped entirely - good one, Kim), I was full-time staff, teaching PE in the afternoons, but also coordinating all the volunteers. This meant processing applications of all volunteers around the school, as well as finding a substitute teacher anytime someone needed one. It was actually super stressful, and although I am very thankful for a job that I could do mostly from home which allowed me to spend time with Daniel, I am ALSO very thankful that I won't be doing it again next year!

Well, that's the future and the past (in the briefest version ever), so what's the present? Well, school ended on June 1, and that Sunday I picked up Baby C from Gentle Hands. She is (was?) 11 months old and the tiniest, cutest little thing! 

 

 Daniel was totally in love, calling her "my baby" and being totally protective.  We did a short 2-week foster, just to give her a different environment for a while, some special attention, and to give GH a little break. 

Week 3 of summer was spent baby-less, but at the start of week 4, we brought home Baby A. She is 17 months old, and WAAAY different than I thought she was going to be! See, she's not a big fan of people in general, and particularly white ones. Although I've known her since she was about a month old, and play with her weekly, she still cries when I (or any white person) come into the nursery. So it was time for "baby boot camp". Well, not really, but she also had been screaming pretty much for 2 weeks straight for whatever reason, so everyone at Gentle Hands kinda needed a break from her. I took her home with us on Sunday night, expecting to last maybe two days.

Serious face

Silly smiles!

But to my surprise, she has been so awesome! She toddles around, singing "Twinkle Twinkle" and other songs, chases Daniel around the house while shrieking in laughter, eats super well, signs lots of words, and even does some talking. She is so very happy most of the time when we are home, although new situations when we go out make her nervous. She is no extrovert like Daniel, but definitely has her own little personality! No idea how long I'll keep this one...

In Daniel-adoption news, we were officially "matched" in May, but have yet to get a court date. Currently, I need to get some papers to my lawyer, but that should be done next week. I'm praying (and you can pray too!) to be done by Christmas. Pray too, for "trial by commissioner". It's too much to explain here how the court process works, but if we got that, things would go MUCH more quickly.

Daniel is doing great - growing, learning, and having lots of fun. He's learning to recognize some sight words, with about 20 that he can identify most of the time. I love watching him grow up, but can't believe how little "baby" is left in him already! He's such a big boy (though still not quite tipping the scales at 30 pounds) and my little toddler has turned into a full-fledged 31/2 year old preschooler!

Ok, I could go on forever (this is the problem of not blogging for over a year), but I'll stop here. Maybe I'll write again soon...someone make me do this!

Love,

Kim 

(& Daniel too!)

Cute Things

I confess, even after multiple confessions and desires to change my ways, I am still a terrible blogger. Facebook just makes it far too easy to do quick updates, so the idea of writing anything longer than 2 sentences seems unsurmountable at times. So here are just a few things that have happened/been said lately...

In the grocery store today ~
Daniel: Mom, are we all done?
Me: Yes, we just need to pay for our groceries.
Daniel: (bowing his head and closing his eyes) Dear Jesus, we pray for our groceries...

Also today on our way to lunch~
Daniel: Mom, where we going?
Me: We're going to get some pizza for lunch.
Daniel: SWEET!

On a daily basis~
"Fwinkle Fwinkle little star...

Shouted in the grocery store (or in Starbucks, or pretty much anywhere)~
YES! JESUS LOVES ME! YES JESUS LOVES ME. DA BAHBUL TELLS ME SOOOOOO!!!!

"WhooFdee!" or "WhooFs!" (Gotta love those Filipino F-P switches!)

Daniel: Mom, let's eat some poop.
Me: Eat what?
Daniel: Some pood!
Me: Oh, some "Food"!

Airplanes: Our Greatest Enemy



Daniel and his "Monday" friends @ a great park in Manila.



No, this is not a commentary on 9/11 or anything related to it. Instead, its about leaving and goodbyes, and being ones that don't leave and always have to say goodbye.



May & June around here are always tough. The end of the school year brings a relief as the grades are in and no more lesson plans need to be written for a while, but it also brings lots of necessary goodbyes, as people pack of for furloughs...or for good.

Until recently, my plan was to be one of the packer-uppers this June, and head back for a one year furlough. After all, its been six years since I've been on an official one, and three years now since I've touched U.S. soil. Unfortunately, the adoption process has not gone as quickly as I would wish (not that I really thought it would), so it means the trip stateside has to be delayed until the adoption is complete.



While I'm fine with the idea of staying another year before taking a furlough, what I'm NOT fine with is that I planned to leave at the same time as a certain group of people, and they are still leaving! Without me! Don't get me wrong - I'm very glad that there are other people who are also staying around for me to hang out with and to be my community. But my heart hurts at having to say goodbye, even if it is for a short while (for some).

What's worse is trying to explain goodbyes, even when people will be returning in 6 months to a year, to Daniel. So far, he just understands that people he likes having around keep getting on planes and flying out of his life. Nonnie (Grandma) did it in January. Madison did it in May. And now Aunt Val, Aunt Rhonda, Aunt Marla, and all of their familes will all be getting on planes within the next 2 weeks.



Since Madison left, we have dealt with some major disobedient uprisings. For those who don't know, Madison student taught at Faith Jan. - May, and lived with Daniel and me. He got very attached, and was so sad when she had to head back stateside. While some of the behavior is probably just typical 2 year old stuff, I am also fairly sure that a lot of it stems from A) feeling abandoned by Madison and B) fear of abandonment from Mommy. It includes some typical RAD stuff, a lot of testing and even manipulation. Overall, it makes me feel like a pretty terrible parent, especially when he is acting out around other kids (lots of pushing, hitting, grabbing...and waiting to gauge my reaction).

Please pray for us, when you think about it. These goodbyes are going to be hard, the summer will be lonely, and Daniel needs to learn to trust that I am not leaving, even when the community around him changes so drastically.

Mommy Guilt

You've done it, I'm sure. Your child gets hurt and you think its not a big deal, and then you basically tell them to knock off the crocodile tears and get over it. (Unless you are one of those moms who makes a big fuss over everything. You can ignore this post if you are one of them.)

It happened again yesterday, and I'll admit that this probably isn't the first time. In this most recent incident, Daniel was playing with a [broken already] flashlight and managed to drop it on his toe. I wasn't too concerned since it was plastic, not a Maglite or anything. He started crying and took a few steps towards me before dropping down and crawling the remaining few feet to me. It wasn't until I picked him up and had a look that I realized he had managed to cut his big toe right at the top corner around the toenail, with a big flap of skin hanging off and blood seeping out. My poor baby! This was a double band-aid BIG owie!

So yeah, I'm definitely still learning about being a mom. And how sometimes, you just need to pour out the sympathy until you find out just how bad that owie is.

Is He "Adjusted"? What I Want You to Know

I think Daniel is a pretty awesome kid, for many reasons:

• In the last year, he has gone from not talking at all to saying tons of words & sentences. and he can be understood, a lot of the time, even by people who don't know him well.
• He's extremely athletically coordinated - he jumps, swims, kicks, throws, etc, with great accuracy & skill for a two year old
• He's compassionate - loves babies and wants to help with them; he likes to help someone if they're hurt
• He can sing his ABCs, count to ten (and working on thru to twenty), can identify most letters in capital & lowercase, can count objects, and mostly knows his colors.

Yes, I'm a proud mama and boasting a bit on my baby, but there's a bigger reason I'm telling you all of this. You see, to most people's casual observation, he's a typical (and extremely cute!) two and a half year old. However, what you don't know is that there is more to the story.

Anyone who has adopted probably understands and has plenty of their own stories to share about the hard things of adopting "hurt children". There is tons of literature out there, along with plenty of blogs, that tell of the difficulties and give advice along the way. Unfortunately, the general public tends to be completely oblivious of the issues that go on when they aren't observing.

So, what do I want you to know?

1. A "hurt child" can be defined as a child who has experienced trauma or abandonment in his life. There's a much larger definition out there, but that's enough for now. And while God is a healer of hearts and the One who knits families together, he generally (from what I've read) heals the hearts of hurt children over a long period of time. It takes time, and lots of it, to rebuild the trust boundaries that have been broken in little hearts, even if their only "hurt" was abandonment at birth. There's a lot of research on this - even children still in the womb can feel the rejection from their birth mothers if they are unwanted.
2. My Daniel is a "hurt" child. Abandoned at birth and having changed homes and primary caregivers multiple times, and living in an institutional setting (as great as Gentle Hands is) greatly affected his first 19 months of life. Living with me for the past eleven months does not erase that history or the hurt that comes with is. 
3. While a lot of behavior issues we have are general two year old things, there is more to it than that. One BIG issue is sleep. Or perhaps I should say, lack thereof. For the past 328 nights that Daniel has been in my house, I have had perhaps ten nights when he has slept through the night or only woke up once. For the remaining 318, he has woken up multiple times (3-20 times, sometimes more), and the majority of them involve me needing to get up and calm him down. While some are just a "here's a kiss, now go lay down" types, many involve Daniel waking up in terror and needing to be reassured of my presence. Now, I realize that there are many kids who don't sleep through the night every night, but generally by age 2 1/2, most parents can count on at least a few nights of sleep a week. So am I sleep-deprived and sometimes (ok, often) a bit crabby because of it? Definitely.
4. Separation anxiety is another big issue. If you had have been abandoned multiple times in your life, you might be a bit oversensitive to mom leaving too! So when, for most of this first year, I've been reluctant to leave him with people he doesn't know super well, I've gotten flack for it. When I am concerned about the number of hours & minutes that I spend away from him, I've been called overprotective. People keep telling me that I need "me" time, and that I should get away for a few hours - and I have, but its not without keeping an eye on my watch and being concerned. I'm sorry, but since I A) missed out on the first half of his life and the build up of trust that biological families create automatically and B) need to make sure he understands that I will always come back, I am definitely concerned about this issue. We've made great strides in this, and Daniel's range of babysitters has expanded over the year, but its still a big deal for both of us.
5. I am so incredibly blessed when I read the list of "attached" behaviors and recognize how many Daniel demonstrates. He and I bonded quickly, which makes this road so much easier to travel. However, there are still behaviors on the "not attached" list which surface. While everyone thinks its cute that he will walk off holding hands with a store attendant - yeah, that's one of those things that he shouldn't be doing. When he's incredibly charming to strangers? Yup, that's another one. I know it doesn't make a lot of sense that this is a problem - people think he's just cute and friendly - but his willingness to trust any Filipina probably comes from having multiple caregivers for many months of his life and could ultimately be rather dangerous.

 I know this post is rather long and heavy, but its something that has really been weighing on my heart lately. I have some great friends around me and afar who have been great encouragers for the past 11 months, but there have been others who have had really quite the opposite effect. And since very few in my community (here or stateside) have been involved in adoption, there is just a general lack of knowledge about the issues. So instead of blaming people for what they don't know, I thought I'd write a post explaning some of what I've learned and some things we are struggling with.

Thanks for reading and taking the time to try to understand a little bit of my side of the story.





 

Easter Sunday

I love my church, I really do. But Easter here really doesn't compare to the Easter Sunday services I grew up with in my teen years at the North Side Gospel Center. I've learned that if I want to celebrate the resurrection here on Easter that I have to get up for the sunrise service, but even still, I'm disappointed every year.

Where are the great resurrection hymns? Not at today's service, I'll tell you that. All last night in my head I was singing, "Up from the grave He arose! With a mighty triumph o'er his foes...", and "He lives! He lives! Christ Jesus lives today! He walks with me and talks with me...".  You know, the good ones! We did sing the "Easter Song", very Keith Green style, which made me happy and all reminiscing-like.

I think what I miss most is the great Easter fellowship we used to have. While I never had Easter "plans", like lunch or dinner with the family (since I didn't grow up in a Christian family), Easter breakfast was always a huge deal for me. In highschool, we used to cook the breakfast, and when I got older, I enjoyed the breakfast made by the new highschool students. Everyone from church would gather in the gym for pancakes, muffins, juice, and whatever else was on the table that year. The little kids would be running around in their cute little dresses & ties, while the parents and everyone else relaxed at the tables, lingering over coffee. Finally, around 10:40, we'd all pitch in for the final clean-up and head over to the sanctuary for a great Easter service.

While my church here does an Easter breakfast, I've not had great success with it over the years. And when I finally had it, I found the food selection quite dismal in comparison to what I'd pictured in my mind. Finally, last year, I made the decision to go to The Pancake House after the sunrise service, which was quite tasty. However, it lacked the fellowship aspect of the church family, which is exactly what happened again this year. And again, I was disappointed.

Now I know that the big reason for celebrating this day is to rejoice in the resurrection, so I probably shouldn't be bemoaning breakfast. And please know that I know that my life is what it is today ONLY because of what Christ did for me on the cross and His resurrection. And for THAT, I am eternally grateful and trying to live my life in reflection of it.

But Easter just isn't the same over here on this side of the ocean for me.